The path to becoming a doctor, while not easy, is pretty straightforward. You go to college, graduate, go to medical school, graduate, do your internship, graduate, then take the medical board exams. I didn't know what to do after passing the boards. Aside from praying for the exam itself, I was also praying for direction about what to do once I passed it.
When I was praying, I thought God would tell me which specialty and which hospital in Manila I would train in. He surprised and, frankly, shocked, me by putting it in my heart to take the US medical licensure exam (USMLE) to be able to train abroad. I was pretty resistant to this idea because this is NOT what I pictured for myself. I have heard about the "horrors" of taking the 4-part USMLE, spending all that money, applying to residency programs and NOT getting matched or placed. I generally play it safe and I did not want to take that risk nor spend my time and energy on something that has proved to be futile for those who went before me. Fear has already paralyzed me into thinking that I couldn't do something like this.
I spent the next days talking God out of this plan He had for me. However, the more time I spent with Him, the more He brought peace, courage, boldness and certainty that I knew this was the only way I could go now. I asked my dad's permission to do this, thinking he would talk me out of it because of the huge expense that this endeavor required. But he said he had enough. That was it. With that finality, God had hammered in that last detail to His plan.
After the Philippine board exams, I started reviewing for Step 1. I studied hard for 5 months. So confident was I that God told me to do this that, with my diligence in studying coupled with His grace, I expected to get a high score, somewhere in the 90s.
Three weeks after taking the exam, my score report came in. As soon as the download completed, it was like my whole world caved in and everything crumbled around me. My score was only 80%. I felt like I might as well have failed because, now, what hope did I have of getting into a training program? As an international medical graduate (IMG) competing with the American graduates, my scores have to be top-notch i.e. >90%. The whole point of going through this process would be to train, not just at any US hospital, but at a university hospital, an educational institution. With this score, I had a very slim chance of getting in. I accepted, that if I did decide to continue, I'd be working at a small community hospital, at best, affiliated with a university.
I felt so bad that I called in sick for work the next day. I felt nauseated, began throwing up and had diarrhea. I stayed in bed the whole day, watching TV, lacking any interest in doing much else. It hit me that, profoundly discouraged, I was showing symptoms of clinical depression. Needless to say, I snapped out of it and remembered that the Lord is good, that He has not forsaken me, that He will not leave me to continue on alone. The Holy Spirit comforted and embraced me. He told me that He was bigger than any exam score, I had the favor of God, He has won the victory for me on the Cross, He was preparing the way for me, He has already gone ahead of me, blessings have already overtaken me and all I had to do was step into them. Truly, all things come from the Lord, including the faith to believe in His promises. He gave me back my shout of victory and before I knew it, my strength was renewed and my heart soared in His love for me.
Job 11: 13-20 (MSG) says, "Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to Him...you'll forget your troubles, they'll be like old faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you'll relax, confident again, you'll look around, sit back and take it easy. Expansive, without a care in the world, you'll be hunted out by many for your blessings." Verse 18 in the NASB says, "then you would trust because there is hope."
There's a phrase I love in the bible--But God. When I see those two words, I know that the story can only get better. So, yes, I did get that score. Yes, I was discouraged. Yes, I had lost hope and was ready to give up...BUT GOD! He embraced me and comforted me and gave me back the joy, peace, hope and confidence that have been stolen from me. He armed me with His word and I was ready to use it!
He dealt with my heart, not just so He can show Himself strong in my life, but also to show others who He is in theirs. A friend, also in the same situation, opened up to me and shared her fears and anxiety about the, in her view, bleak future she was facing. Because of Jesus, instead of fueling her fears, doubts and depression, I was able to encourage her and share with her what God has shown me. Because He is more than enough, when He does things, there is always an overflow. He didn't just encourage me for myself, He encouraged me so that my friend will also have a part in it!
Psalm 116:7 (NASB) says, "Relax and rest." This is exactly what I did.
After that, I got high scores in my next exams, divine connections to do month-long rotations with doctors in Ohio and Florida, both of whom have never met me, and got a handful of invitations to interview at various hospitals.
While my friends (who scored higher on all exams) got an average of 10 interviews, I got only 5. This worried me but God said, "I'm a straight shooter. I have THE one for you. I know what I'm doing. Stop doubting me. I have a different story for your classmates. I'm writing yours. Stop looking around, just focus on Me." I surrendered completely.
The second to the last interview was that one annointed appointment. It was the one interview that I walked away from with an excitement in my heart and I knew that this was the hospital I wanted to be a part of. Though I was already in another state, preparing for my next interview, I told God that this is the program I desired to be in. I emailed the program director to tell him that I wanted to join his team. Several days passed with nary a word from him. I checked my mail often, as if prompting him to respond. After my last interview, I wrote him again. Within a few hours, he replied and gave me positive feedback. I practically leaped out of my chair and jumped with excitement because I knew that, even if it wasn't official yet, I was in.
In March, it became official. I start my Primary Care Internal Medicine residency at the University of Connecticut in July.
In the end, He had given me more than I asked for, more than I expected, more than I deserved. This is God's story, not mine. It's a story of His faithfulness. With that score that so discouraged me and diminished any hope I had of getting into a good training institution, He has made the victory that much sweeter and proves Himself strong in my life over and over again. He delights in giving us the desires of our hearts. When challenges come, remember that He is bigger and stronger than these. Fix your eyes on Jesus. He not only has the answer; He IS the answer. We are already blessed and favored and fight from a place of victory. Jesus has won an abundant life for us at the Cross. It's about time we live it!
I shared a summary of this story at Alabang New Life Christian Center's LIFE Conference 2010 (4/27/2010, picture by Marvin Germo)
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