Carried Over

It has been quite a while since I've written and since then, the amazing provision and miracles of God in my life continue to flow. 

Philippians 4:19--And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Coming to the the US with just enough money, I had to figure out how to make it fit until I get my first paycheck. God had just the answer---my employer allows us to take out a loan, interest-free, to help with moving expenses. I took advantage of that and, because of Him, I was never in lack throughout the process of starting a new life here. He guided me and my roommate toward great deals in stores and alternatives to particular furniture and appliances mushroomed before our eyes. As a girl who loves stretching her buck, this was a joyful process. =) When I would start focusing on the amount left in my bank account, I would worry. Bringing my fears before the Lord, He reassures me and "calms me with his love." (Zephaniah 9:17, MSG).

I also spent a lot of money getting around the area during my first month because I didn't have a car yet. Taking a cab was ridiculously expensive. But God came to my rescue, my wonderful King in shining armor! He provided me with gracious friends with the same schedule as mine so that, for most days, I had a ride to and from the hospital. My roommate was generous to lend me her car on the weekends she was on call and I was not. On the days that I could not get a ride, He favored me with buses that ran on time so that I was never late for work. To move in, my bestfriend, Marily, and her boyfriend, drove from New York to set me up with the bare necessities. They chauffeured me around and introduced me to the essentials of being on my own. While I had the money to rent a car, His wisdom directed that amount towards a downpayment for my own car.

Speaking of my car, His hand was certainly in this process too. My first month rotation was an ambulatory block wherein I only had to go in for half of the day most days of the week and I had my weekends free. That gave me time to scour the internet for good car deals and making trips to several dealerships to get the best price. When the time came to pay for the car I liked and could afford, I got stuck. My uncle loaned me some money for the downpayment but I didn't have the rest of the balance. I had no credit history so no one would lend me money. But nothing is impossible with Him! I applied for a car loan at my institution's credit union...and got approved the very next day! Weeks after getting my car, I got mail after mail from several loan and credit companies denying the application that my dealer sent in my behalf. One of my favorite worship songs has a line that goes, "I call Your name, Lord You reply. You bring Your kingdom to stand by my side." This is certainly what happened when my loan was approved! =)

I needed a cellphone with a subscription plan. Through my educational fund at the hospital, I got an iPhone for free. My roommate and I plus two other friends are subscribed to AT&T's family plan that, combined with the our hospital discount, cut our cellphone bills substantially. Abundance!!

I furnished my bedroom for only $20. Yes, that's right, $20. Using Craigslist, I bought my big, beautiful study table, second hand, for $15 from a surgical resident in my building who was graduating and moving to another state. When I came to pick it up, I saw the matching chair and asked to buy it for $5. Because he lives in the same building, I didn't have to pay for delivery! Buying a mattress took a while as this would cost significantly more and I just didn't have the budget for it. I was willing to sleep on my (borrowed) air mattress for as long as I could stand it. But an appointed conversation with a graduating medicine resident gave me more than a bed. First of all, she offered to GIVE me her mattress and boxspring. In the course of my thanking her and arranging to pick it up from her apartment (she lived in the building across mine, so no delivery charge too), we began talking about other things. Which I will talk about in the next section of this post. =) 

Psalm 92:13--Planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God.

The hardest part about leaving home was leaving my church. Alabang New Life Christian Center has always been my home church and Pastor Paul has always been my pastor. My heart is knitted to the revelation of Jesus to the church, to its people and to its vision. I feared that I would not find a community like this in Connecticut. 

In the first week I was here, I had an appointed conversation with the resident who gave me her mattress. We found out that we were both Christians and began talking about how moving to the US was a big change in terms of finding a church to be a part of. She found one just a few months earlier and gave me its name. Church of the Living God (CLG) is located in Manchester, 12 miles from Hartford. I attended once, found it great but too far, and tried to look for another church closer to where I live. For several Sundays, I went to one in West Hartford but felt the peace of God bringing me back CLG.

The second Sunday I was back was the church's annual picnic. I went to service with the full of intention of....going straight home. There was no way I was going to that picnic without knowing anyone, no matter how much I wanted to make friends. 

Well, God solved that problem--a middle-aged couple seated beside me at that service introduced themselves and asked if I was new and if I was going to the picnic. I said no I was not because I didn't know anyone. They offered that I go with them and ride to the park in their car. Yes, they were strangers and we're taught not to talk to strangers, let alone get in their car, but God said it was okay. =)

Things snowballed from there. As they introduced me to other people, I saw the heart of the church for the Lord. It perfectly fit the advice Pastor Henry gave me about finding one to be a part of while I'm here. I met the ER doctor who gave an orientation to us at the hospital. She pointed out to me an Indian guy in a gray shirt, saying that he too was a resident in our program. She introduced us and I found out that he also knows several residents who come to the church!! He was getting baptized that day and he was beaming. 

I now attend the Alpha Course every Tuesday night, a 10-week class that is very similar to New Life's Firm Foundation. What a real blessing, privilege and honor it is to worship God in a community of believers whose lives are also being changed by the only One who is worthy of praise.

1 Chron. 8:20--"He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the Lord is finished."

Certainly, God is faithful. He has proven that in my life over and over again. I believe He will continue to prove Himself strong in days to come. He didn't bring me to Connecticut just so I could blog about it or just so I could tell a wonderful story at the LIFE conference. He didn't bring me here after all that and hang me out to dry. His faithfulness continues every day. 

My budget is tight but I'm never in lack. All my bills and loans are paid, there is money in the bank and I have extra money to enjoy. I am far from the people I love but His grace envelopes every conversation we have and strengthens our ties exponentially. I praise Him every time for allowing me to be away from home at this time of technological advancement. He knows my sentimental heart will get too lonely for snail mail and scratchy long distance telephone calls. I'm in touch with the Philippines through my iPhone--Yahoo Messenger, Facebook, Chikka, Skype and Filipino News RSS reader. I don't even have to use my laptop anymore. Magicjack is pure magic as Jeremy and my family can call me anytime for free and Rebtel is so convenient as I call their cellphones for a minimal fee. 

If there is only one thing I have to know, it is that I am the Lord's beloved. He loves us with such a passionate and unconditional love that saves us to a life that is all about Him. Truly, the riches of His love will always be enough (from Hillsong's "Forever Reign). I encourage you to receive His love and revel in it. Lean into Him and watch as He makes your life story a miracle everyday.

Harried in Hartford and the Blessing of Psalm 34

I stepped onto American soil this week, arriving in San Francisco and spending a couple of days with my relatives. With only 5 hours of total sleep (blame it on the jet lag), I flew across the country to Hartford, my new home away from home.

While this will be the start of a new chapter in my medical education, this, more realistically, is the start of getting used to the American way of life. I am both excited and scared about what awaits me here. Right now, the overwhelming task for me to settle in encompasses a number of responsibilities, including opening a bank account, getting a car, deciding on a cellphone plan, buying furniture & things for the apartment. These thoughts swirled so fast in my head that I couldn't keep up. Before I knew it, I felt a compulsion to get everything done tomorrow. 

Like most things in life, I know it will take some time to get everything running smoothly. Praise God for His provision and His grace and wisdom that will lead the way into this new system and lifestyle. Even though I know that all will be well, my heart needed to be comforted and held in God's embrace. I used my fried-out body clock to spend the early morning hours with Jesus.

While reading Psalm 34 in the Message, tears welled up in my eyes as I relished the peace and goodness of God. 

Verse 2 says, ...if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy." What a joy to start my first weekend in the USA with a glad and joyful heart!

Verse 4 says, "God met me more than halfway, He freed me from my anxious fears." When I look back upon 2009 and see how far He has taken me, I cannot help but marvel and worship at the feet of my God, who compassionately continues to give me the best. My efforts and my work, while not totally disregarded, were elevated to new heights because of His supernatural working in my life. He took what I had sowed and multiplied it back to me a hundred-fold. He has certainly "met me more than halfway" and ensured that these blessings will last.

Verse 5 says, "...never hide your feelings from Him." Telling myself that all will be well and that He is taking care of me was not enough to stop the worries swirling around in me. God gave us emotions and understands this as part of who we are. I poured out my fears and anxieties to Him and shed the tears that was caused by the wave of homesickness and unfamiliarity of this new land that I am in. He let me lay back against Him and regain my bearings before smoothing my ruffled feathers and giving me a comfort that surpasses all understanding. Sometimes, there is a delay in getting what we know in our heads of God's truth down to the innermost parts of our heart. But God is merciful to take us into His arms and hold us close until His promises penetrate every portion of our being and we know that we know that we know that He is in control.

Verse 7 says, "God's angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray." God delights in genuine prayers, no matter how they sound to yourself or to others. He looks at the posture of our hearts, not our backs, as we pray. This brings revelation, grace, peace and, as David says, protection. His promises are protected in order to get to you intact and whole. His supplies are protected in order to get it to you so that you will not lack. His revelation is protected in order to get it to you vibrant and fresh so that your visions will never lack luster. We are surrounded by His hedge of protection so that we our lives will be preserved. Praying has never looked so good to me!

Verse 9 says, "Worship God if you want the best; worship opens doors to all His goodness." Sometimes, when I don't know what to pray about or when I don't know how to pray for something going on in my life, the easiest thing for me to do is worship God. In the wee small hours of the morning, in the midst of the chaos in my head, I just worshipped Him. I lifted my arms up and started praising His name. I instantly felt better. I'm not kidding. He calmed the storm brewing in my thoughts and averted the certain disaster, by the mere mention of His name. There is power in the name of Jesus! And then, when I read this verse, my heart just leaped out of my chest in excitement--I have just opened door to all His goodness!! And I knew then that the bank, the car, the furniture, my medical residency will all be taken care of by His goodness. 

Verse 19 brought me to my knees. It says, "Disciples so often get into trouble; still God is there every time." [italics mine] Living in this world is not easy and it is not any less challenging for the Christian but God promises that He is right smack in the middle every time. There is a great comfort in knowing that we are never left alone with our problems. The NASB says that ..."the Lord delivers him out of them all." There is not a sticky situation that does not have the protection of God stamped on it. We are sealed by the Holy Spirit (Eph. 4:30) and there is no quandary that can rock us out of it. He is not the author of trouble but He uses each to glorify Himself. In her song, "Beauty for Ashes", Crystal Lewis sings, "He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, peace for despair." True enough, this promise is followed up in verse 20 that says, "He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken." Wow!

When it comes down to it, God remains sovereign and above our lives. I don't know what I will do without Him. I believe that, in my next entry, I will be writing of how His goodness continues to be multiplied to me as I settle into my new home. Keep you posted!

New Things, Good Things

As the clock ticks down to my departure date, I feel a nostalgia for the things and the people that I am leaving. While this is not goodbye for good, this is goodbye for a long time. It's funny how the last year has cemented, even more, the relationships and ties I have in Manila while I took that time to prepare to leave exactly that.

Because I'm not on duty at the hospital, I have spent more time at home with my family. Having dinner at the country club with my dad, shopping with my mom, watching a movie with my younger sister and driving for my youngest sister have all been luxuries that I've enjoyed this past year. Because of the stress of the exams and the match, they have prayed for me and supported me, cried with me and, best of all, rejoiced with me. 

Because I was not at the mercy of a hospital time zone, I was able to control my study schedule and my free time, thus allowing me to sow that at Alabang New Life Christian Center. Whether it is participating in videos for the media, ushering at services and conferences, being available for care groups, going to bible school in the evenings and just hanging out with the people who speak volumes into my life, my heart has become knitted all the more firmly to the fabric of this community.

Because I was able to get proper rest at night, I have been able to spend quality time with my boyfriend, Jeremy, experiencing new things together and discovering more about each other as individuals and as a couple. Even the 6 months apart in 2009 did not put a dent in our relationship but, by the grace of God, has  solidified it and made it flourish. We have learned how to fight fair, to be kind & encouraging to one another, and to stay patient, committed and passionate for the hand of God upon our relationship. 

This past year has given me a life that I have not experienced throughout the pressures of medical school and internship. They are the "reasons" that make Manila home. And they are also what make it so difficult and heartbreaking to leave. 

Praise God that He makes His home in me! Because if He lived only in the Philippines, then nothing you can do can make me leave! My greatest comfort is that He holds my heart in His hands. When sadness threatens to overcome me, His goodness gives me a reason to shout for joy. When homesickness deigns to stop me from enjoying, He tells me that, with Him, I am home. When pressures begin to push at me, He gives me the might to push back. When I feel lonely and far away from people I love, He places someone in my life to love, to minister to & to encourage. When thoughts of being forgotten from the lives of my family and friends loom before me, He reminds me that I am not forgotten and that He calls me by name. And then He lets me log on to Facebook so that I don't miss anything! I've gone through this gamut of emotions while I was in the States last year. If practice makes perfect, I will be better at this the second time around.

Isaiah 42:9 says, "Behold, the former things have come to pass, Now I declare new things; Before they spring forth, I proclaim them to you."

Isaiah 48:6 says, "You have heard; look at all this. And you, will you not declare it? I proclaim to you new things from this time, Even hidden things which you have not known."

New things. Part of the abundant life that He has given us are these new things. Never wanting us to stay in the same place for long, He brings us from glory to glory in our relationships, our careers, our finances, our desires. With God, change is progressive and is always a step up from what we are used to. 

Yes, He has declared and proclaimed new things to us. He has allowed us to hear it, He has allowed us to see it. Now, He wants us to declare it for ourselves, to use our mouth to speak His words. 

So, my relationship with the people to whom I have given a part of my heart will not stagnate while I'm away. Like everything in my life, He will take it to higher levels. God is beyond distance and time. He is beyond the limitations of this world, so much so that "before they spring forth, I proclaim it for you." He has prepared my way for me in the States already. All that I need, all that my heart will desire, He has already done it. James 1:17 says, "Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above..." My Father only knows how to give good things. New things, good things, aren't these reason enough to get excited?!

I can leave home with the confidence that God is taking care of my existing relationships and that He has already prepared the life that I will step into in the States. He is taking care of the people I love and I know that, as I move forward into exciting times, so will they. 

USMLE to Residency...God's Way!

The path to becoming a doctor, while not easy, is pretty straightforward. You go to college, graduate, go to medical school, graduate, do your internship, graduate, then take the medical board exams. I didn't know what to do after passing the boards. Aside from praying for the exam itself, I was also praying for direction about what to do once I passed it. 

When I was praying, I thought God would tell me which specialty and which hospital in Manila I would train in. He surprised and, frankly, shocked, me by putting it in my heart to take the US medical licensure exam (USMLE) to be able to train abroad. I was pretty resistant to this idea because this is NOT what I pictured for myself. I have heard about the "horrors"  of taking the 4-part USMLE, spending all that money, applying to residency programs and NOT getting matched or placed. I generally play it safe and I did not want to take that risk nor spend my time and energy on something that has proved to be futile for those who went before me. Fear has already paralyzed me into thinking that I couldn't do something like this. 

I spent the next days talking God out of this plan He had for me. However, the more time I spent with Him, the more He brought peace, courage, boldness and certainty that I knew this was the only way I could go now. I asked my dad's permission to do this, thinking he would talk me out of it because of the huge expense that this endeavor required. But he said he had enough. That was it. With that finality, God had hammered in that last detail to His plan. 

After the Philippine board exams, I started reviewing for Step 1. I studied hard for 5 months. So confident was I that God told me to do this that, with my diligence in studying coupled with His grace, I expected to get a high score, somewhere in the 90s. 

Three weeks after taking the exam, my score report came in. As soon as the download completed, it was like my whole world caved in and everything crumbled around me. My score was only 80%. I felt like I might as well have failed because, now, what hope did I have of getting into a training program? As an international medical graduate (IMG) competing with the American graduates, my scores have to be top-notch i.e. >90%. The whole point of going through this process would be to train, not just at any US hospital, but at a university hospital, an educational institution. With this score, I had a very slim chance of getting in. I accepted, that if I did decide to continue, I'd be working at a small community hospital, at best, affiliated with a university.

I felt so bad that I called in sick for work the next day. I felt nauseated, began throwing up and had diarrhea. I stayed in bed the whole day, watching TV, lacking any interest in doing much else. It hit me that, profoundly discouraged, I was showing symptoms of clinical depression. Needless to say, I snapped out of it and remembered that the Lord is good, that He has not forsaken me, that He will not leave me to continue on alone. The Holy Spirit comforted and embraced me. He told me that He was bigger than any exam score, I had the favor of God, He has won the victory for me on the Cross, He was preparing the way for me, He has already gone ahead of me, blessings have already overtaken me and all I had to do was step into them. Truly, all things come from the Lord, including the faith to believe in His promises. He gave me back my shout of victory and before I knew it, my strength was renewed and my heart soared in His love for me.

Job 11: 13-20 (MSG) says, "Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to Him...you'll forget your troubles, they'll be like old faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you'll relax, confident again, you'll look around, sit back and take it easy. Expansive, without a care in the world, you'll be hunted out by many for your blessings." Verse 18 in the NASB says, "then you would trust because there is hope."

There's a phrase I love in the bible--But God. When I see those two words, I know that the story can only get better. So, yes, I did get that score. Yes, I was discouraged. Yes, I had lost hope and was ready to give up...BUT GOD! He embraced me and comforted me and gave me back the joy, peace, hope and confidence that have been stolen from me. He armed me with His word and I was ready to use it!

He dealt with my heart, not just so He can show Himself strong in my life, but also to show others who He is in theirs. A friend, also in the same situation, opened up to me and shared her fears and anxiety about the, in her view, bleak future she was facing. Because of Jesus, instead of fueling her fears, doubts and depression, I was able to encourage her and share with her what God has shown me. Because He is more than enough, when He does things, there is always an overflow. He didn't just encourage me for myself, He encouraged me so that my friend will also have a part in it!

Psalm 116:7 (NASB) says, "Relax and rest." This is exactly what I did. 

After that, I got high scores in my next exams, divine connections to do month-long rotations with doctors in Ohio and Florida, both of whom have never met me, and got a handful of invitations to interview at various hospitals.

While my friends (who scored higher on all exams) got an average of 10 interviews, I got only 5. This worried me but God said, "I'm a straight shooter. I have THE one for you. I know what I'm doing. Stop doubting me. I have a different story for your classmates. I'm writing yours. Stop looking around, just focus on Me."  I surrendered completely.

The second to the last interview was that one annointed appointment. It was the one interview that I walked away from with an excitement in my heart and I knew that this was the hospital I wanted to be a part of. Though I was already in another state, preparing for my next interview, I told God that this is the program I desired to be in. I emailed the program director to tell him that I wanted to join his team. Several days passed with nary a word from him. I checked my mail often, as if prompting him to respond. After my last interview, I wrote him again. Within a few hours, he replied and gave me positive feedback. I practically leaped out of my chair and jumped with excitement because I knew that, even if it wasn't official yet, I was in.

In March, it became official. I start my Primary Care Internal Medicine residency at the University of Connecticut in July.

In the end, He had given me more than I asked for, more than I expected, more than I deserved. This is God's story, not mine. It's a story of His faithfulness. With that score that so discouraged me and diminished any hope I had of getting into a good training institution, He has made the victory that much sweeter and proves Himself strong in my life over and over again. He delights in giving us the desires of our hearts. When challenges come, remember that He is bigger and stronger than these. Fix your eyes on Jesus. He not only has the answer; He IS the answer. We are already blessed and favored and fight from a place of victory. Jesus has won an abundant life for us at the Cross. It's about time we live it! 

I shared a summary of this story at Alabang New Life Christian Center's LIFE Conference 2010 (4/27/2010, picture by Marvin Germo)

OLD POST: Big Enough (12/10/08)

It's been a while since I've felt this excited again after reading my bible. Truly, when the Lord reveals something to you, you will never look at things in your life the same way again.

I've been dealing with doubts, fears and anxieties these past months and no matter how I try to cover them up with activities, like studying, work and, quite ironically, even church, these have continued to attack my mind until it seeped into my heart and threatened to steal my peace and joy. There has been no true release from them. Until now.

This morning, God spoke sovereignly to my heart and quieted the storm that has been brewing in me. With one verse, He lifted away the veil that has been covering the eyes of my faith. In one moment, there was a double portion of peace and joy that was brought into my life. In a blink of an eye, my focus changed and the enemy has been defeated. In that one second, that seemed, to me, like an eternity of waiting, I see again, all the more glaringly, that God is the same yesterday, today and forever. Through every season of my life, He is good. In every circumstance, He loves us just the same. I know that I know that I know that my life is found in Him.

God is bigger than anything we will ever face. I asked for His forgiveness that I let go of my faith and exalted my problems rather than Him. Friends, He IS BIG ENOUGH. It started when just an inch of a doubt about certain things I've been believing for in my life crossed my mind. I believed I could carry that load because, hey! I'm a strong Christian, God gave me authority, etcetera. This is just a small problem. I can deal with it. Pride entered. And then things spiraled out of control. Let me tell you, you lose everything in the end when you believe you can do anything apart from God. I've since repented and have received the benefits of God's forgiveness of my sin. Praise Him for what I've been learning about righteousness (NLSM night school rocks!)! Because of Jesus, I am in right-standing with God and all my sins, including this one, have already been paid for on the cross. Because of Jesus, sin will never change who we are in Him.

In Hebrews 10, it says that "As a priest, Christ made a single sacrifice for sins, and that was it! Then He sat down right beside God and waited for His enemies to cave in. IT WAS A PERFECT SACRIFICE BY A PERFECT PERSON TO PERFECT SOME VERY IMPERFECT PEOPLE." (The Message) Haha! Isn't that great?!

Nothing can ever be more important than having a relationship with Jesus. Nothing. Not even being in church. Believe it or not, during those months, I was in church. Regularly. More than regularly. While the word being preached was life-giving, only God can breathe His life into it and inscribe it in my heart. Only He can make things come alive in your life to bring change and freedom. Where would we be without Jesus?

Our issues are never too trivial for Him. He doesn't want you carrying your own load, even if you think you're strong enough to carry them. He will always be stronger. He's been doing big things since the world began. The stories are all in the bible. The stories are in the lives of people around you. Believe that you're not just a spectator--God wants to do big things in your life as well! Sometimes we don't understand or don't want to believe that He is big enough. But it doesn't matter because it doesn't change who Jesus is. He is big enough!!

OLD POST: A Sure Thing (7/26/08)

I finally know what to do after the boards. Hallelujah! I will not go through the details of how God dealt with me this morning but I just wanted to share the verses that were shown to me and that, I believe, will encourage you to continue pursuing God in passionate patience. I share this with you as a testimony to how mightily and wonderfully the Lord answers prayers. What I love about it is the "journey" that got me to this point of my faith and how God has taken my relationship with Him to another level. From glory to glory indeed! Praise God with me, guys!

2 Cor. 1:20-22 (The Message): " Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In Him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together within us. By His Spirit, He has stamped us with His eternal pledge---a sure beginning of what He has destined to complete." (Italics mine)

Isaiah 58:11 (The Message): "I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places---firm muscles, strong bones." (Italics mine)

Isaiah 48:6-7
(NASB): "I proclaim to you new things from this time. Even hidden things which you have not known. They are created now and not long ago; And before today, you have not heard them." (Italics mine)

(The Message): "And that was just the beginning. I have a lot more to tell you, things you never knew existed. This isn't a variation on the same old thing. This is new, brand-new, something you'd never guess or dream up." (Italics mine)

And so it is! Remember how I talked in my previous entry about how God is a God of suddenlies? Well, well, God likes to prove Himself, doesn't He?!

I know this will be a mountain to climb but God is greater and bigger than my fears and circumstances. I'm not an excellent student but God is an excellent God. He doesn't operate in the real world so don't be disheartened when things don't look peachy. He fields crazy dreams when it's something He's placed in your heart. Passionate patience will get us from one point to the next UNTIL we see the manifestation of our faith. I prayed for this for three months and thank God I didn't abandon my pursuit! Don't worry, God also promised this in 2 Cor. 2:14 (The Message): " In the Messiah, in Christ, God leads us from place to place in one perpetual victory parade." And, as Pastor Joseph Prince teaches, all the promises of God are yes! and amen!

Isaiah 26 says, "People with their minds set on You, You keep completely whole, Steady on their feet because they keep at it and don't quit. Depend on God and keep at it because in the Lord God, you have a sure thing." (The Message)

If anything, all of this means that I will have more adventures with God. He will take me to new heights. He will stretch the borders of my life. That's what He does---He brings a full life in the emptiest of places. He redeemed us to be strong, victorious, vibrant. Isaiah 58 says that we will be like a "well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry."

You, dear daughter and son of God, ARE a restorer, a rebuilder, a renovator.

Believe it and live it!

OLD POST: Passionate Patience (7/13/08)

For 3 months now, I’ve been praying for probably the most important decision I’m ever going to make within the year, which is, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO AFTER THE BOARD EXAMS?!

The more time I spend in prayer, the more my faith gets built up, my confidence becomes bigger and the greatness of God becomes more real to me. I browsed through my quiet time journal tonight and I noticed something. While my time with the Lord has always yielded important lessons and has brought awesome revelations about Himself, He hasn’t really answered my question.

I still have a very vague idea about what my next move will be. Being the planner that I am, this totally shakes me! I’m also used to getting answers to my questions right away. Maybe not immediately, but I certainly didn’t have to wait 3 months for it! I’ve obviously bought into the whole enchilada of a fast-paced lifestyle—information at your fingertips, communication at the click of a button. And as a doctor, I’m used to having things move quickly along. When you’re on duty and your cellphone is bleeping crazily with calls and referrals from your residents and the nurses, you have to have the answers and the solutions—fast!

I am amused by how the God of the universe, the God who can create light, the oceans, the earth, the heavens, man and woman with just a word, can be so slow to give me an answer! While I love spending time with Him, lately, I’ve felt like I’ve hit the ceiling of my faith and have become a tad impatient and frustrated that God’s answer has been so elusive. And I prayed that He would send a fresh word, something to turn my mind, my thinking, my attitude and my faith, upside down.

Oh, but God! God and His word! Just like that, with just a word, just like how He created the heavens and the earth, He touched my heart and a geyser of faith and joy sprang up on the inside of me.

Psalm 18:28 says, “Suddenly, God, you floodlight my life”. God isn’t as slow with His answers as I thought. God is a God of suddenlies. He can change a situation with just a word. He can bring about peace with just a word. He can bring provision with just a word. He can bring life with just a word. Hallelujah! Thank God that His ways are not our ways. Praise God that His ways are higher than ours. And when He enters our lives, His light isn’t just something to get us by—it’s a floodlight! It’s the light we’re going to live by. It’s the light that’s going to show us where to step, where to lay our heads, where to give our hearts. It’s the light that illumines every aspect, every detail of our lives.

Psalm 18:21 says, “Now I’m alert to God’s ways. I don’t take God for granted. Everyday, I review the way He works. I try not to miss a trick.” This brought such a peace to me because part of the beauty of waiting on the Lord is seeing how He works. And at this point in time, God wants to show me how wonderfully He can sew together the pieces of my scattered confidence. As we pray, God wants us to be alert to His ways. We can’t always be humming or ladida-ing along the corridors of faith while God pulls out all the stops on bringing a revelation to us. I sure don’t want to miss that!

In Romans 5:3-4, the bible says, “…because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert to whatever God will do next.” There’s the word “alert” again. Our troubling, frustrating, exasperating situations are the times, more than ever, to hang on and hold fast to the promises of God and to be alert to His ways. But this passage tells us that patience is a prerequisite to be able to do that. And not just any patience—a passionate patience. We patiently and passionately wait on the Lord. This patience is not the kind that’s just going to sit by and wait for God’s answer to fall into our laps. While God can do that too, He wants to enlarge us in the waiting. He wants to teach us, mold us, prune us and love on us. While we wait, He wants us to exercise our faith muscles. He wants to bring us to a higher level so that we are better prepared to handle the good things He wants to bring into our lives, into our families, into the lives of the people around us. In no way does He want us to be stagnant while waiting.

Passionate patience is one that continues to pursue God and His destiny for our lives. Life doesn’t stop when we wait on the Lord. Time will not freeze as we wait. The same demands of work or school will continue to chew at us. The difference is, now, there’s a whole new spring to our step, there’s a quiet confidence and a heightened alertness to how God will show Himself strong in our lives. We take purposeful strides as the Lord develops a patience in us. We continue to do our daily activities, yes, but always on the lookout for how God will align our purposes, our pursuits, our passions, our hearts with His. So as my batchmates and I begin the countdown to D-day, I continue to study hard, to research about my options, to ask questions and talk to people in the know, to seek counsel from those ahead of me, and, best of all, continue to believe and hold fast to my Father who knows all things.

Lamentations 3:25-27 says, “God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing, when you’re young, to stick it out through the tough times.” For those of us who are on the brink of making a decision, it’s a good thing to passionately wait, diligently seek and quietly hope in the Lord. And here’s why.

In Romans 5:5, the bible says, “In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling short-changed.” Praise God! Does that mean I’m going to get my answer, Father? Yes, yes, yes! I expect Him to do great things. I expect God to bring people and opportunities and knowledge to my life that will tell me which road is His for me. Psalm 18:30 says, “His road stretches straight and smooth. Every God-direction is road-tested.” I don’t know about you but I want to go through life on that straight and smooth road.

I invite you to wait on the Lord with a passionate patience. Let’s continue to seek Him diligently, quietly hope in Him and stick it out through the tough times. Because the bible says that though it tarries, it will surely come. In the waiting, God enlarges our lives, builds up our faith and proves, again and again, that only He can work so gloriously.

Note: All Scripture taken from The Message bible. (I love this translation!) =)

OLD POST: But God (6/27/08)

The storm that swept through the country last week was so destructive, claiming more than 1,000 lives, costing our government millions of pesos in damages and putting people, particularly fishermen and farmers, out of work. This storm couldn't have come at a worst time, when gas and food prices are already up, when people with less have so little to get them through the day. But that's the nature of storms, isn't it? Unpredictable, unrelenting, with absolutely no regard for human lives. When it's over, what remains will have to be dealt with and we can either be so overwhelmed, sit back and let it fall into disrepair or stand up, roll up our sleeves and get busy.

It's the same when we sustain a beating in our lives. Circumstances beyond our control threaten the stability of where we stand. Discouraging words aren't mere sticks and stones but can be powerful enough to give that final kick when we're already down. Oftentimes, we look up and see the crest of the wave as tall as skyscrapers, like in The Perfect Storm" or in "Poseidon" or even what the passengers on the Sulpicio Lines ferry must have seen out on the ocean at the height of the storm. But when these come and go, there is always, left behind, a remnant. And this is what we hold on to, what keeps us going, the glimmer of hope we know will keep us alive at the very moment we feel like surrendering.

But God!!

I love this phrase in the Bible. It's often overlooked because it gets buried in the sentence but to me, it has demonstrated such power. Two words--who would've known it is the difference between death and life, depression and joy, defeat and victory? It is God's cue for us to keep our chin up, persevere in what we're doing, give us something to eagerly hope for and to wipe away our tears.

I did a phrase search on a bible forum for these words and it turned up at least 200 results that this phrase is used in the bible in this context.

"But God remembered Noah...", "But God will be with you", "But God meant it for good...", "But God will surely take care of you", "But God said..." And how many of you know that when God speaks we better listen?

This week, I slipped from my rock and was cast into the vast expanse of the world without "But God." See, this week, I filed my registration with PRC, paid for a residency application form to a certain training hospital, requested for the necessary documents from my medschool AND received the schedule of subjects for the board exams. To top if all off, I'm studying Anatomy this week!!!

All my life, I've had a road to follow and as long as I kept on that road, I'll be ok. It's like a had blinders on, like a horse's, and now I'm forced to remove them. And the first sight can always be quite scary. I feel like I'm in line to be pushed over the edge of a cliff and I'm just a few feet away from it. Just as the batch of doctors before me have jumped and chosen their paths (USMLE, Philippine residency or others), the time is coming for me and my batchmates to make a decision, the first real one, for our lives.

And so, all these things have been on my mind, just sitting there, brewing, stewing, cooking, until the frustration finally let it all come to a boil and I could practically see steam lifting off the top of my head, coming out of my eyes and ears. It was a horrible state to be in because I couldn't seem to control it.

But God!!

He said we aren't in control--He was. He said He had given us rest on every side from all our enemies (2 Sam. 7:1). He said He will appoint a place for us and will plant us there (2 Sam. 7:10). He said to eagerly await the revelation of Jesus (1 Cor. 1:7). He said that He revealed all things through the Spirit so that we may know the things freely given to us by Him (1 Cor. 2: 10, 12). He says that we don't have to rely on the world's guesses and opinions. We don't have to do things by trial-and-error. There's another road for each of us to travel on and it is His good pleasure to point us towards it. There is life after medschool and He's the one who created it already, long before we ever knew we wanted to become doctors.

My friend, Mond, in his weekly bulletin to the Young Adults, was certainly God's instrument of help when he said, and I quote: "Perhaps, going throuhg life, you feel like that boxer who was ready to be knocked out. You feel like tugging at you left and right, pressures from everywhere, your boss is on your case and mountains of bills to be paid. As we are studying today, we don't fight for victory, we fight from a place of total victory. We fight to reinforce what Jesus has already done.

Amen to that! This is another "But God" moment, isn't it?

God has done all this, not because of who I am, but because of who He is--out of His very heart!--but He's let me in on it (2 Sam. 7:21, The Message).

And best of all, with all my heart, mind and soul, I can speak the words David said to the Lord after He made the covenant: "Now, O Lord God, You are God and Your words are truth and You have promised this good thing to Your servant." (2 Sam. 7:28)

When storms in your life come, no matter if it's signal 1, 2 or 3, remember that two words can spell the difference about how it's going to affect your life-- But God.

OLD POST: Fighting the "Big Bully" (6/3/08)

It's already been a month into the intense (talaga?!) review and my batchmates and I are feeling the heat of the "big bully of all exams" for us doctors. God has settled this exam in my heart before I even started reviewing and though I am very nervous, I am not fearful--not because of my faith in my intellectual capabilities but because of my faith in Him. As a favorite Hillsong United song put it, my future has been decided. Long before I even knew that I wanted to become a doctor, He has already started making arrangements for it to happen.

In my nine-year journey towards that dream, He has always stood up for me, just as He promised in Psalm 63:8 (The Message). Some victories may seem of small measure while others may seem larger than life but it doesn't matter because it's not about what was behind those victories; it's about Who. And as He shows Himself stronger and stronger in my life, it becomes harder and harder for me to doubt Him.

In every crisis that comes to overwhelm me and threaten to sweep me off the rock of my faith, I direct my eyes to Jesus by asking Him to give me a verse to hold onto. Today, the answer was swift and immediate. God must know my desperation!!!

In Romans 4, Paul talks about trusting God for our salvation. But there were certain verses that spoke directly to my heart and to my situation. I love how The Message bible puts it: "That is why the fulfillment of God's promise depends entirely on trusting God and His ways and then simply embracing Him and what He does. God's promise arrives as pure gift" (v. 16). How reassuring is that?! What other expression of love and encouragement and reassurance do I need to convince me that God is working on my behalf? But there's more!

Now, when I read this, I couldn't help but rejoice greatly (I won't even describe how I rejoiced or I risk sounding insane to people). Romans 4:20-21 says, "yet, with respect to the promise of God, he (Abraham) did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able to perform." (NASB) God promises that when we are fully assured, giving no room for doubt, bolstering our faith, He is able to work mightily and powerfully in ways we couldn't even begin to imagine. Notice how Paul words his statements? "Entirely", "fully assured". Paul is telling us to give it all so that the Lord could take it all! With a promise like this, do we seriously want to keep anything back from God? We will miss out on some awesome things if we do.

We might be hesitant, scared, even, to trust God with such big things because when big things are on the line, so are big disappointments. But it is God's good pleasure to answer our prayers.

In 1 Samuel 1, we read of Elkanah who had two wives, Penninah and Hannah. While Penninah was fertile and gave Elkanah lots of children, Hannah was barren. Year after year, when they go to Shiloh to offer a sacrifice to God, Elkanah would pass out helpings of the sacrifical meal to Penninah and her children but would give an extra big helping to Hannah "because he loved her so much and because God had not given her children" (v. 5). Penninah would taunt her cruelly, "rubbing it in and never letting her forget that God had not given her (Hannah) any children" (v. 6). Her barreness was such a source of sorrow and loneliness despite her husband's sympathy and reassurance. She slipped away to the temple and pleaded with the Lord to give her a son. After praying, her entire countenance and attitude changed (v. 18). This is the best part: "Elkanah slept with Hannah his wife and God began making the necessary arrangements in response to what she has asked" (v. 19). How cool, how amazing, how awesome is that?! If this doesn't send your heart flying to the heavens, I don't know what will!!! Hannah did give birth to a son, Samuel, and dedicated him to the Lord.

I wanted to share all the things that the Lord has been showing me in the past few weeks because I want to encourage you not to lose heart. There are still two months to go. It's going to be tough and strenous and it's going to take everything we've got but know that we fight with God on our side. That's so much better than fighting alone, isn't it?

As we continue to turn over more and more of this exam to Him, He becomes bigger and mightier as our fears and doubts become smaller and smaller. It is indeed an exercise of our faith muscles so that, as we exercise them, we transform into the spiritually-macho men and women of God who can crush these anxieties with so much as a flick of a finger.

And when it all comes down to it, this isn't all about the exam; it's about learning to pin our hopes and future on Him who knows what it already holds for us and who already started "to make the necessary arrangement" on our behalf. It's about trusting Him fully as we, in the seasons of our lives, learn to part with pieces of ourselves, surrendering it to Him, until He holds our entire being, our every moment, in the palm of His hand.

OLD POST: High Rise Mornings (5/24/08)

After a year of living in my flat in Makati, I've only recently unlocked the door leading onto the balcony. For quite a while, it was an unused space, the dust of the city clinging tightly to the legs of the glass table. When my family bought the unit, we imagined being able to enjoy conversations with each other while drinking a glass of soda or wine, looking out onto the sparkling lights of streetlamps and car headlights. We put out pots of plants, watering it faithfully for a few days before hospital schedules caused it to be neglected. I live in Makati to work, after all.

Internship has ended and my friends and I are free from being at the mercy of the alarm clock and the cellphone. And yet, I find myself in Makati again. Yes, to work---on my stack of reviewers and medical books, that, when placed end to end, would probably span the width of the country club pool. Ayayay! And it is precisely for this reason that I dared to venture onto the balcony. I thought it would be a fabulous place to study. And I was right. But it turned out to be more than that.

Eight years ago, in my college dorm, my room was on the side of the building facing the hills of Antipolo. Every morning, I would get up early, take a hot shower and quietly maneuver my chair past my sleeping roommates and sit on the balcony. There is nothing better than seeing the sun rise over the hills and hear the birds happily chirp to greet the coming day. Nowadays, my view from my Makati balcony is drastically different. Across from me is WalterMart, the Skyway, Pasay Road and another highrise condominium with balconies. Instead of the sun, I see the shadows that it casts. Instead of the chirping of birds, I hear the whir of my neighbor's airconditioning unit.

However, in these few moments of quiet out on the balcony (during college or in Makati), my relationship with God blossoms. Every morning, with my Bible, my strength is renewed, my spirits are lifted and my character is shaped by His hands. When I think of the things I have to accomplish for the day, He gives me a reason to rejoice and He unburdens my heart. When I start to become fearful for my future, He brings me a peace that surpasses my understanding. When I cry out to Him in frustration, He reminds me that I am made to be a conquerer in Christ. When I start to crack under the pressure, He gives me the grace to press back. When I ask what will happen tomorrow, He tells me that all things work together for good to those who love Him. When doubt and impatience begin to take over, He reminds me that though it tarries, it will surely come. And when I come to Him shameful and sorry for the sins I've committed to grieve His Spirit, He sees me through the eyes of grace and washes me clean.

For all these things, the balcony has become my special place. It is where I can lift my head, lift my hands, lift my spirit, lift my heart and lift my life to God.

OLD POST: Comings and Goings (4/11/08)

Traveling with my family when I was younger was so much easier then. My parents took care of bookings, itineraries, passports, visas, getting the car checked out for a road trip. Everything. All my sisters and I had to do was pack and hop into the car. Combining my dad's meticulous planning and my mom's resolve to keep her family from starving in transit, our trips usually go forth without a hitch. These make for great bonding memories stored safely in our family albums (when we entered the age of digital, dusty albums became dusty CDs).

Now I am far from organizing a big trip all by myself, but I realize that I've been organizing my comings and goings for quite a few years now. During university, medical school and internship, I lived away from home, allowing me both the privilege and the bane of planning my hours. Because I only lived a few meters away from my college classroom or the anatomy laboratory, I was assured of not wasting time stewing in traffic or wasting precious brain cells planning my route. Likewise, I didn't have to bring everything because I could always come back for them, if need be. The first two periods of my quasi-independence were easy enough because I did not have the added responsibility of bringing a car. Like a kid, all I had to do was hop into my friends' vehicle and we were off on another metropolitan adventure. My biggest contribution was to keep my eyes peeled for a parking space in cramped car lots (which is usually the case in the busy northern side of the city, where we hung out a lot).

Nowadays, today in particular, I am adjusting (but liking) to juggling the different roles that my parents played during our trips: shopping for food, putting gas in the car, renewing my driver's license, packing my bag for the week and all the other things I took for granted when I was younger. Today, I am responsible for making sure that the routine for my trips is like a well-oiled machine, running smoothly, without a hitch. I hadn't realized that I've been doing this for the past years. While this divulgence isn't exactly profound, it does make me glad to know that God has prepared me for these mundane tasks by providing me with an example (my parents), leading up to the provision (my friends and their vehicles, for example), building up to the crest of the wave of responsibility that would otherwise overwhelm me.

Seeing past the everyday errands that threaten to bring monotony to our routine, I see how God daily holds my hand and my heart as He plants the visions of what He planned out for me way before I was born (Psalm 139:16). Like the way my parents planned a smooth trip for me and my sisters, like the way my friends brought the provision of transportation for another memorable escapade, so God plans and provides for the seasons, the comings and goings, of my life and makes sure that, if I ever do get a flat tire or my flight gets delayed, I am surrounded by His goodness and lovingkindness (Psalm 23:6) that will give me the strength and the joy to change the flat or wait patiently at the departure gate for the great things that are surely coming.

God wants to do the same for you. Trust in Him. Know that His promises are true. He has created plans and purposes for our lives that we cannot truly understand without being prepared for them. In His perfect time, He reveals it to us, part by part, all the more allowing our hearts to see His glory and making this gift all the more precious, all the more worth caring for. All these, the Bible says, are far beyond what we were expecting and visualizing for our lives (Eph. 3:20). Why set a limit to our comings and goings? Join your heart and your life-walk to the Saviour who wants to love on us and show us the beauty of soaring past what we have set for ourselves.