Carried Over

It has been quite a while since I've written and since then, the amazing provision and miracles of God in my life continue to flow. 

Philippians 4:19--And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Coming to the the US with just enough money, I had to figure out how to make it fit until I get my first paycheck. God had just the answer---my employer allows us to take out a loan, interest-free, to help with moving expenses. I took advantage of that and, because of Him, I was never in lack throughout the process of starting a new life here. He guided me and my roommate toward great deals in stores and alternatives to particular furniture and appliances mushroomed before our eyes. As a girl who loves stretching her buck, this was a joyful process. =) When I would start focusing on the amount left in my bank account, I would worry. Bringing my fears before the Lord, He reassures me and "calms me with his love." (Zephaniah 9:17, MSG).

I also spent a lot of money getting around the area during my first month because I didn't have a car yet. Taking a cab was ridiculously expensive. But God came to my rescue, my wonderful King in shining armor! He provided me with gracious friends with the same schedule as mine so that, for most days, I had a ride to and from the hospital. My roommate was generous to lend me her car on the weekends she was on call and I was not. On the days that I could not get a ride, He favored me with buses that ran on time so that I was never late for work. To move in, my bestfriend, Marily, and her boyfriend, drove from New York to set me up with the bare necessities. They chauffeured me around and introduced me to the essentials of being on my own. While I had the money to rent a car, His wisdom directed that amount towards a downpayment for my own car.

Speaking of my car, His hand was certainly in this process too. My first month rotation was an ambulatory block wherein I only had to go in for half of the day most days of the week and I had my weekends free. That gave me time to scour the internet for good car deals and making trips to several dealerships to get the best price. When the time came to pay for the car I liked and could afford, I got stuck. My uncle loaned me some money for the downpayment but I didn't have the rest of the balance. I had no credit history so no one would lend me money. But nothing is impossible with Him! I applied for a car loan at my institution's credit union...and got approved the very next day! Weeks after getting my car, I got mail after mail from several loan and credit companies denying the application that my dealer sent in my behalf. One of my favorite worship songs has a line that goes, "I call Your name, Lord You reply. You bring Your kingdom to stand by my side." This is certainly what happened when my loan was approved! =)

I needed a cellphone with a subscription plan. Through my educational fund at the hospital, I got an iPhone for free. My roommate and I plus two other friends are subscribed to AT&T's family plan that, combined with the our hospital discount, cut our cellphone bills substantially. Abundance!!

I furnished my bedroom for only $20. Yes, that's right, $20. Using Craigslist, I bought my big, beautiful study table, second hand, for $15 from a surgical resident in my building who was graduating and moving to another state. When I came to pick it up, I saw the matching chair and asked to buy it for $5. Because he lives in the same building, I didn't have to pay for delivery! Buying a mattress took a while as this would cost significantly more and I just didn't have the budget for it. I was willing to sleep on my (borrowed) air mattress for as long as I could stand it. But an appointed conversation with a graduating medicine resident gave me more than a bed. First of all, she offered to GIVE me her mattress and boxspring. In the course of my thanking her and arranging to pick it up from her apartment (she lived in the building across mine, so no delivery charge too), we began talking about other things. Which I will talk about in the next section of this post. =) 

Psalm 92:13--Planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God.

The hardest part about leaving home was leaving my church. Alabang New Life Christian Center has always been my home church and Pastor Paul has always been my pastor. My heart is knitted to the revelation of Jesus to the church, to its people and to its vision. I feared that I would not find a community like this in Connecticut. 

In the first week I was here, I had an appointed conversation with the resident who gave me her mattress. We found out that we were both Christians and began talking about how moving to the US was a big change in terms of finding a church to be a part of. She found one just a few months earlier and gave me its name. Church of the Living God (CLG) is located in Manchester, 12 miles from Hartford. I attended once, found it great but too far, and tried to look for another church closer to where I live. For several Sundays, I went to one in West Hartford but felt the peace of God bringing me back CLG.

The second Sunday I was back was the church's annual picnic. I went to service with the full of intention of....going straight home. There was no way I was going to that picnic without knowing anyone, no matter how much I wanted to make friends. 

Well, God solved that problem--a middle-aged couple seated beside me at that service introduced themselves and asked if I was new and if I was going to the picnic. I said no I was not because I didn't know anyone. They offered that I go with them and ride to the park in their car. Yes, they were strangers and we're taught not to talk to strangers, let alone get in their car, but God said it was okay. =)

Things snowballed from there. As they introduced me to other people, I saw the heart of the church for the Lord. It perfectly fit the advice Pastor Henry gave me about finding one to be a part of while I'm here. I met the ER doctor who gave an orientation to us at the hospital. She pointed out to me an Indian guy in a gray shirt, saying that he too was a resident in our program. She introduced us and I found out that he also knows several residents who come to the church!! He was getting baptized that day and he was beaming. 

I now attend the Alpha Course every Tuesday night, a 10-week class that is very similar to New Life's Firm Foundation. What a real blessing, privilege and honor it is to worship God in a community of believers whose lives are also being changed by the only One who is worthy of praise.

1 Chron. 8:20--"He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the Lord is finished."

Certainly, God is faithful. He has proven that in my life over and over again. I believe He will continue to prove Himself strong in days to come. He didn't bring me to Connecticut just so I could blog about it or just so I could tell a wonderful story at the LIFE conference. He didn't bring me here after all that and hang me out to dry. His faithfulness continues every day. 

My budget is tight but I'm never in lack. All my bills and loans are paid, there is money in the bank and I have extra money to enjoy. I am far from the people I love but His grace envelopes every conversation we have and strengthens our ties exponentially. I praise Him every time for allowing me to be away from home at this time of technological advancement. He knows my sentimental heart will get too lonely for snail mail and scratchy long distance telephone calls. I'm in touch with the Philippines through my iPhone--Yahoo Messenger, Facebook, Chikka, Skype and Filipino News RSS reader. I don't even have to use my laptop anymore. Magicjack is pure magic as Jeremy and my family can call me anytime for free and Rebtel is so convenient as I call their cellphones for a minimal fee. 

If there is only one thing I have to know, it is that I am the Lord's beloved. He loves us with such a passionate and unconditional love that saves us to a life that is all about Him. Truly, the riches of His love will always be enough (from Hillsong's "Forever Reign). I encourage you to receive His love and revel in it. Lean into Him and watch as He makes your life story a miracle everyday.

Harried in Hartford and the Blessing of Psalm 34

I stepped onto American soil this week, arriving in San Francisco and spending a couple of days with my relatives. With only 5 hours of total sleep (blame it on the jet lag), I flew across the country to Hartford, my new home away from home.

While this will be the start of a new chapter in my medical education, this, more realistically, is the start of getting used to the American way of life. I am both excited and scared about what awaits me here. Right now, the overwhelming task for me to settle in encompasses a number of responsibilities, including opening a bank account, getting a car, deciding on a cellphone plan, buying furniture & things for the apartment. These thoughts swirled so fast in my head that I couldn't keep up. Before I knew it, I felt a compulsion to get everything done tomorrow. 

Like most things in life, I know it will take some time to get everything running smoothly. Praise God for His provision and His grace and wisdom that will lead the way into this new system and lifestyle. Even though I know that all will be well, my heart needed to be comforted and held in God's embrace. I used my fried-out body clock to spend the early morning hours with Jesus.

While reading Psalm 34 in the Message, tears welled up in my eyes as I relished the peace and goodness of God. 

Verse 2 says, ...if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy." What a joy to start my first weekend in the USA with a glad and joyful heart!

Verse 4 says, "God met me more than halfway, He freed me from my anxious fears." When I look back upon 2009 and see how far He has taken me, I cannot help but marvel and worship at the feet of my God, who compassionately continues to give me the best. My efforts and my work, while not totally disregarded, were elevated to new heights because of His supernatural working in my life. He took what I had sowed and multiplied it back to me a hundred-fold. He has certainly "met me more than halfway" and ensured that these blessings will last.

Verse 5 says, "...never hide your feelings from Him." Telling myself that all will be well and that He is taking care of me was not enough to stop the worries swirling around in me. God gave us emotions and understands this as part of who we are. I poured out my fears and anxieties to Him and shed the tears that was caused by the wave of homesickness and unfamiliarity of this new land that I am in. He let me lay back against Him and regain my bearings before smoothing my ruffled feathers and giving me a comfort that surpasses all understanding. Sometimes, there is a delay in getting what we know in our heads of God's truth down to the innermost parts of our heart. But God is merciful to take us into His arms and hold us close until His promises penetrate every portion of our being and we know that we know that we know that He is in control.

Verse 7 says, "God's angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray." God delights in genuine prayers, no matter how they sound to yourself or to others. He looks at the posture of our hearts, not our backs, as we pray. This brings revelation, grace, peace and, as David says, protection. His promises are protected in order to get to you intact and whole. His supplies are protected in order to get it to you so that you will not lack. His revelation is protected in order to get it to you vibrant and fresh so that your visions will never lack luster. We are surrounded by His hedge of protection so that we our lives will be preserved. Praying has never looked so good to me!

Verse 9 says, "Worship God if you want the best; worship opens doors to all His goodness." Sometimes, when I don't know what to pray about or when I don't know how to pray for something going on in my life, the easiest thing for me to do is worship God. In the wee small hours of the morning, in the midst of the chaos in my head, I just worshipped Him. I lifted my arms up and started praising His name. I instantly felt better. I'm not kidding. He calmed the storm brewing in my thoughts and averted the certain disaster, by the mere mention of His name. There is power in the name of Jesus! And then, when I read this verse, my heart just leaped out of my chest in excitement--I have just opened door to all His goodness!! And I knew then that the bank, the car, the furniture, my medical residency will all be taken care of by His goodness. 

Verse 19 brought me to my knees. It says, "Disciples so often get into trouble; still God is there every time." [italics mine] Living in this world is not easy and it is not any less challenging for the Christian but God promises that He is right smack in the middle every time. There is a great comfort in knowing that we are never left alone with our problems. The NASB says that ..."the Lord delivers him out of them all." There is not a sticky situation that does not have the protection of God stamped on it. We are sealed by the Holy Spirit (Eph. 4:30) and there is no quandary that can rock us out of it. He is not the author of trouble but He uses each to glorify Himself. In her song, "Beauty for Ashes", Crystal Lewis sings, "He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, peace for despair." True enough, this promise is followed up in verse 20 that says, "He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken." Wow!

When it comes down to it, God remains sovereign and above our lives. I don't know what I will do without Him. I believe that, in my next entry, I will be writing of how His goodness continues to be multiplied to me as I settle into my new home. Keep you posted!

New Things, Good Things

As the clock ticks down to my departure date, I feel a nostalgia for the things and the people that I am leaving. While this is not goodbye for good, this is goodbye for a long time. It's funny how the last year has cemented, even more, the relationships and ties I have in Manila while I took that time to prepare to leave exactly that.

Because I'm not on duty at the hospital, I have spent more time at home with my family. Having dinner at the country club with my dad, shopping with my mom, watching a movie with my younger sister and driving for my youngest sister have all been luxuries that I've enjoyed this past year. Because of the stress of the exams and the match, they have prayed for me and supported me, cried with me and, best of all, rejoiced with me. 

Because I was not at the mercy of a hospital time zone, I was able to control my study schedule and my free time, thus allowing me to sow that at Alabang New Life Christian Center. Whether it is participating in videos for the media, ushering at services and conferences, being available for care groups, going to bible school in the evenings and just hanging out with the people who speak volumes into my life, my heart has become knitted all the more firmly to the fabric of this community.

Because I was able to get proper rest at night, I have been able to spend quality time with my boyfriend, Jeremy, experiencing new things together and discovering more about each other as individuals and as a couple. Even the 6 months apart in 2009 did not put a dent in our relationship but, by the grace of God, has  solidified it and made it flourish. We have learned how to fight fair, to be kind & encouraging to one another, and to stay patient, committed and passionate for the hand of God upon our relationship. 

This past year has given me a life that I have not experienced throughout the pressures of medical school and internship. They are the "reasons" that make Manila home. And they are also what make it so difficult and heartbreaking to leave. 

Praise God that He makes His home in me! Because if He lived only in the Philippines, then nothing you can do can make me leave! My greatest comfort is that He holds my heart in His hands. When sadness threatens to overcome me, His goodness gives me a reason to shout for joy. When homesickness deigns to stop me from enjoying, He tells me that, with Him, I am home. When pressures begin to push at me, He gives me the might to push back. When I feel lonely and far away from people I love, He places someone in my life to love, to minister to & to encourage. When thoughts of being forgotten from the lives of my family and friends loom before me, He reminds me that I am not forgotten and that He calls me by name. And then He lets me log on to Facebook so that I don't miss anything! I've gone through this gamut of emotions while I was in the States last year. If practice makes perfect, I will be better at this the second time around.

Isaiah 42:9 says, "Behold, the former things have come to pass, Now I declare new things; Before they spring forth, I proclaim them to you."

Isaiah 48:6 says, "You have heard; look at all this. And you, will you not declare it? I proclaim to you new things from this time, Even hidden things which you have not known."

New things. Part of the abundant life that He has given us are these new things. Never wanting us to stay in the same place for long, He brings us from glory to glory in our relationships, our careers, our finances, our desires. With God, change is progressive and is always a step up from what we are used to. 

Yes, He has declared and proclaimed new things to us. He has allowed us to hear it, He has allowed us to see it. Now, He wants us to declare it for ourselves, to use our mouth to speak His words. 

So, my relationship with the people to whom I have given a part of my heart will not stagnate while I'm away. Like everything in my life, He will take it to higher levels. God is beyond distance and time. He is beyond the limitations of this world, so much so that "before they spring forth, I proclaim it for you." He has prepared my way for me in the States already. All that I need, all that my heart will desire, He has already done it. James 1:17 says, "Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above..." My Father only knows how to give good things. New things, good things, aren't these reason enough to get excited?!

I can leave home with the confidence that God is taking care of my existing relationships and that He has already prepared the life that I will step into in the States. He is taking care of the people I love and I know that, as I move forward into exciting times, so will they. 

USMLE to Residency...God's Way!

The path to becoming a doctor, while not easy, is pretty straightforward. You go to college, graduate, go to medical school, graduate, do your internship, graduate, then take the medical board exams. I didn't know what to do after passing the boards. Aside from praying for the exam itself, I was also praying for direction about what to do once I passed it. 

When I was praying, I thought God would tell me which specialty and which hospital in Manila I would train in. He surprised and, frankly, shocked, me by putting it in my heart to take the US medical licensure exam (USMLE) to be able to train abroad. I was pretty resistant to this idea because this is NOT what I pictured for myself. I have heard about the "horrors"  of taking the 4-part USMLE, spending all that money, applying to residency programs and NOT getting matched or placed. I generally play it safe and I did not want to take that risk nor spend my time and energy on something that has proved to be futile for those who went before me. Fear has already paralyzed me into thinking that I couldn't do something like this. 

I spent the next days talking God out of this plan He had for me. However, the more time I spent with Him, the more He brought peace, courage, boldness and certainty that I knew this was the only way I could go now. I asked my dad's permission to do this, thinking he would talk me out of it because of the huge expense that this endeavor required. But he said he had enough. That was it. With that finality, God had hammered in that last detail to His plan. 

After the Philippine board exams, I started reviewing for Step 1. I studied hard for 5 months. So confident was I that God told me to do this that, with my diligence in studying coupled with His grace, I expected to get a high score, somewhere in the 90s. 

Three weeks after taking the exam, my score report came in. As soon as the download completed, it was like my whole world caved in and everything crumbled around me. My score was only 80%. I felt like I might as well have failed because, now, what hope did I have of getting into a training program? As an international medical graduate (IMG) competing with the American graduates, my scores have to be top-notch i.e. >90%. The whole point of going through this process would be to train, not just at any US hospital, but at a university hospital, an educational institution. With this score, I had a very slim chance of getting in. I accepted, that if I did decide to continue, I'd be working at a small community hospital, at best, affiliated with a university.

I felt so bad that I called in sick for work the next day. I felt nauseated, began throwing up and had diarrhea. I stayed in bed the whole day, watching TV, lacking any interest in doing much else. It hit me that, profoundly discouraged, I was showing symptoms of clinical depression. Needless to say, I snapped out of it and remembered that the Lord is good, that He has not forsaken me, that He will not leave me to continue on alone. The Holy Spirit comforted and embraced me. He told me that He was bigger than any exam score, I had the favor of God, He has won the victory for me on the Cross, He was preparing the way for me, He has already gone ahead of me, blessings have already overtaken me and all I had to do was step into them. Truly, all things come from the Lord, including the faith to believe in His promises. He gave me back my shout of victory and before I knew it, my strength was renewed and my heart soared in His love for me.

Job 11: 13-20 (MSG) says, "Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to Him...you'll forget your troubles, they'll be like old faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you'll relax, confident again, you'll look around, sit back and take it easy. Expansive, without a care in the world, you'll be hunted out by many for your blessings." Verse 18 in the NASB says, "then you would trust because there is hope."

There's a phrase I love in the bible--But God. When I see those two words, I know that the story can only get better. So, yes, I did get that score. Yes, I was discouraged. Yes, I had lost hope and was ready to give up...BUT GOD! He embraced me and comforted me and gave me back the joy, peace, hope and confidence that have been stolen from me. He armed me with His word and I was ready to use it!

He dealt with my heart, not just so He can show Himself strong in my life, but also to show others who He is in theirs. A friend, also in the same situation, opened up to me and shared her fears and anxiety about the, in her view, bleak future she was facing. Because of Jesus, instead of fueling her fears, doubts and depression, I was able to encourage her and share with her what God has shown me. Because He is more than enough, when He does things, there is always an overflow. He didn't just encourage me for myself, He encouraged me so that my friend will also have a part in it!

Psalm 116:7 (NASB) says, "Relax and rest." This is exactly what I did. 

After that, I got high scores in my next exams, divine connections to do month-long rotations with doctors in Ohio and Florida, both of whom have never met me, and got a handful of invitations to interview at various hospitals.

While my friends (who scored higher on all exams) got an average of 10 interviews, I got only 5. This worried me but God said, "I'm a straight shooter. I have THE one for you. I know what I'm doing. Stop doubting me. I have a different story for your classmates. I'm writing yours. Stop looking around, just focus on Me."  I surrendered completely.

The second to the last interview was that one annointed appointment. It was the one interview that I walked away from with an excitement in my heart and I knew that this was the hospital I wanted to be a part of. Though I was already in another state, preparing for my next interview, I told God that this is the program I desired to be in. I emailed the program director to tell him that I wanted to join his team. Several days passed with nary a word from him. I checked my mail often, as if prompting him to respond. After my last interview, I wrote him again. Within a few hours, he replied and gave me positive feedback. I practically leaped out of my chair and jumped with excitement because I knew that, even if it wasn't official yet, I was in.

In March, it became official. I start my Primary Care Internal Medicine residency at the University of Connecticut in July.

In the end, He had given me more than I asked for, more than I expected, more than I deserved. This is God's story, not mine. It's a story of His faithfulness. With that score that so discouraged me and diminished any hope I had of getting into a good training institution, He has made the victory that much sweeter and proves Himself strong in my life over and over again. He delights in giving us the desires of our hearts. When challenges come, remember that He is bigger and stronger than these. Fix your eyes on Jesus. He not only has the answer; He IS the answer. We are already blessed and favored and fight from a place of victory. Jesus has won an abundant life for us at the Cross. It's about time we live it! 

I shared a summary of this story at Alabang New Life Christian Center's LIFE Conference 2010 (4/27/2010, picture by Marvin Germo)

OLD POST: Big Enough (12/10/08)

It's been a while since I've felt this excited again after reading my bible. Truly, when the Lord reveals something to you, you will never look at things in your life the same way again.

I've been dealing with doubts, fears and anxieties these past months and no matter how I try to cover them up with activities, like studying, work and, quite ironically, even church, these have continued to attack my mind until it seeped into my heart and threatened to steal my peace and joy. There has been no true release from them. Until now.

This morning, God spoke sovereignly to my heart and quieted the storm that has been brewing in me. With one verse, He lifted away the veil that has been covering the eyes of my faith. In one moment, there was a double portion of peace and joy that was brought into my life. In a blink of an eye, my focus changed and the enemy has been defeated. In that one second, that seemed, to me, like an eternity of waiting, I see again, all the more glaringly, that God is the same yesterday, today and forever. Through every season of my life, He is good. In every circumstance, He loves us just the same. I know that I know that I know that my life is found in Him.

God is bigger than anything we will ever face. I asked for His forgiveness that I let go of my faith and exalted my problems rather than Him. Friends, He IS BIG ENOUGH. It started when just an inch of a doubt about certain things I've been believing for in my life crossed my mind. I believed I could carry that load because, hey! I'm a strong Christian, God gave me authority, etcetera. This is just a small problem. I can deal with it. Pride entered. And then things spiraled out of control. Let me tell you, you lose everything in the end when you believe you can do anything apart from God. I've since repented and have received the benefits of God's forgiveness of my sin. Praise Him for what I've been learning about righteousness (NLSM night school rocks!)! Because of Jesus, I am in right-standing with God and all my sins, including this one, have already been paid for on the cross. Because of Jesus, sin will never change who we are in Him.

In Hebrews 10, it says that "As a priest, Christ made a single sacrifice for sins, and that was it! Then He sat down right beside God and waited for His enemies to cave in. IT WAS A PERFECT SACRIFICE BY A PERFECT PERSON TO PERFECT SOME VERY IMPERFECT PEOPLE." (The Message) Haha! Isn't that great?!

Nothing can ever be more important than having a relationship with Jesus. Nothing. Not even being in church. Believe it or not, during those months, I was in church. Regularly. More than regularly. While the word being preached was life-giving, only God can breathe His life into it and inscribe it in my heart. Only He can make things come alive in your life to bring change and freedom. Where would we be without Jesus?

Our issues are never too trivial for Him. He doesn't want you carrying your own load, even if you think you're strong enough to carry them. He will always be stronger. He's been doing big things since the world began. The stories are all in the bible. The stories are in the lives of people around you. Believe that you're not just a spectator--God wants to do big things in your life as well! Sometimes we don't understand or don't want to believe that He is big enough. But it doesn't matter because it doesn't change who Jesus is. He is big enough!!