It's already been a month into the intense (talaga?!) review and my batchmates and I are feeling the heat of the "big bully of all exams" for us doctors. God has settled this exam in my heart before I even started reviewing and though I am very nervous, I am not fearful--not because of my faith in my intellectual capabilities but because of my faith in Him. As a favorite Hillsong United song put it, my future has been decided. Long before I even knew that I wanted to become a doctor, He has already started making arrangements for it to happen.In my nine-year journey towards that dream, He has always stood up for me, just as He promised in Psalm 63:8 (The Message). Some victories may seem of small measure while others may seem larger than life but it doesn't matter because it's not about what was behind those victories; it's about Who. And as He shows Himself stronger and stronger in my life, it becomes harder and harder for me to doubt Him.
In every crisis that comes to overwhelm me and threaten to sweep me off the rock of my faith, I direct my eyes to Jesus by asking Him to give me a verse to hold onto. Today, the answer was swift and immediate. God must know my desperation!!!
In Romans 4, Paul talks about trusting God for our salvation. But there were certain verses that spoke directly to my heart and to my situation. I love how The Message bible puts it: "That is why the fulfillment of God's promise depends entirely on trusting God and His ways and then simply embracing Him and what He does. God's promise arrives as pure gift" (v. 16). How reassuring is that?! What other expression of love and encouragement and reassurance do I need to convince me that God is working on my behalf? But there's more!
Now, when I read this, I couldn't help but rejoice greatly (I won't even describe how I rejoiced or I risk sounding insane to people). Romans 4:20-21 says, "yet, with respect to the promise of God, he (Abraham) did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able to perform." (NASB) God promises that when we are fully assured, giving no room for doubt, bolstering our faith, He is able to work mightily and powerfully in ways we couldn't even begin to imagine. Notice how Paul words his statements? "Entirely", "fully assured". Paul is telling us to give it all so that the Lord could take it all! With a promise like this, do we seriously want to keep anything back from God? We will miss out on some awesome things if we do.
We might be hesitant, scared, even, to trust God with such big things because when big things are on the line, so are big disappointments. But it is God's good pleasure to answer our prayers.
In 1 Samuel 1, we read of Elkanah who had two wives, Penninah and Hannah. While Penninah was fertile and gave Elkanah lots of children, Hannah was barren. Year after year, when they go to Shiloh to offer a sacrifice to God, Elkanah would pass out helpings of the sacrifical meal to Penninah and her children but would give an extra big helping to Hannah "because he loved her so much and because God had not given her children" (v. 5). Penninah would taunt her cruelly, "rubbing it in and never letting her forget that God had not given her (Hannah) any children" (v. 6). Her barreness was such a source of sorrow and loneliness despite her husband's sympathy and reassurance. She slipped away to the temple and pleaded with the Lord to give her a son. After praying, her entire countenance and attitude changed (v. 18). This is the best part: "Elkanah slept with Hannah his wife and God began making the necessary arrangements in response to what she has asked" (v. 19). How cool, how amazing, how awesome is that?! If this doesn't send your heart flying to the heavens, I don't know what will!!! Hannah did give birth to a son, Samuel, and dedicated him to the Lord.
I wanted to share all the things that the Lord has been showing me in the past few weeks because I want to encourage you not to lose heart. There are still two months to go. It's going to be tough and strenous and it's going to take everything we've got but know that we fight with God on our side. That's so much better than fighting alone, isn't it?
As we continue to turn over more and more of this exam to Him, He becomes bigger and mightier as our fears and doubts become smaller and smaller. It is indeed an exercise of our faith muscles so that, as we exercise them, we transform into the spiritually-macho men and women of God who can crush these anxieties with so much as a flick of a finger.
And when it all comes down to it, this isn't all about the exam; it's about learning to pin our hopes and future on Him who knows what it already holds for us and who already started "to make the necessary arrangement" on our behalf. It's about trusting Him fully as we, in the seasons of our lives, learn to part with pieces of ourselves, surrendering it to Him, until He holds our entire being, our every moment, in the palm of His hand.
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